We Need Some Time Apart (#261)

Life in close quarters can be full on when you’re carting your life around on a boat together, so we’re spending a bit of time apart as we head back westwards along southern Portugal. We want to take the varnish off and speak our mind about some issues that we think are important, and give you guys a sense of some aspects of our lives away from the camera.

Song Credits:
00:00 Hollow Coves – Heatwave
02:13 Good Lee & Andrew Rothschild – 24
05:58 Honey Hounds – Easy Like The Breeze
09:02 Brother Mane – Epiphany
14:17 Bill Beaumont – For The Birds Outside My Window
17:19 Lachlan Ross – City Lights

Thanks to our amazing featured music artists for supporting the show! You can listen to them all on our Spotify playlist

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@elayna.carausu
@riley.whitelum

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Comments 22

  1. Excellent vid. My wife and I after 23 years of marriage are going through the same issue right now. Lockdown was a mini version of what you are talking about.

  2. I watch you all occasionally with my husband, and was impressed and moved by your honesty. We’re in our 60’s and of course like any marriage, have had our ups and downs. My take on marriage – or any long term relationship – is that it’s always a work in progress. You both go through so many life changes – children, financial, jobs, retirement, health etc., that time off is crucial! All the things you’ve mentioned you’re doing – friendships, reading about relationship issues, meditation, listening to each other and so on are exactly what you need to do and I’m so glad you realize that. We wish you both luck and happiness in your wonderful family.

  3. Hey guys…my wife and I have really enjoyed watching your youtube channel and the way your relationship has changed since Lenny has come along.
    We both would love to encourage you to seek your happiness in the Creator of the beauty of the seas you sail in. You can read all the psychology books published about happiness by human authors and none will give you the happiness that a relationship with Jesus Christ will. We wish you and your family all the best for the future and we look forwards to future La Vagabonde episodes.

  4. Choosing to love… her…like Christ loves the Church…isn’t the easy way. It’s the only way… She will follow you all the rest of your’ days.

    Help is on the way.

    Onto a whole other matter: I can’t wait for the book, whatever the subject, it will no doubt be brilliant.

  5. I wrote this back in my late 40’s. It made sense to me and it seems to have made sense to others. It is from a man’s (my) perspective, but I have done my best to not be sexist. Take it for what it is…the ramblings of an old dude from 22+ years ago.

    Here is the view on marriage and love from a twice-divorced old fart. Your mileage may vary.

    · Beauty is transitory. It fades over time or can be erased in a minute by accident or disease. With true love, you will always see the most beautiful person every time you look at them.

    · Marriage is not just about creating genetic copies of yourselves.

    · Sex lasts for a short time. Sensuality lasts 24 hours a day.

    · A woman who cannot hold an intelligent conversation now, probably won’t be able to 10 years from now after those great looks have faded.

    · It’s great to have similar interests, but it’s also nice to bring in new experiences and points of view from each person in the relationship. Be open to change and be ready for new experiences.

    · Marriage is a partnership. Whatever the religious right preaches about a “woman’s place” in a relationship is bullshit. A woman can be your best helpmate and the best friend you’ve ever known, but only if you allow yourself to believe that she is your equal.

    · Be truly thankful for your loving partner. If you go through life feeling like you could have done better, you will have a rude awakening someday when you’ve moved on and then look back and realize, too late, what you had in that other person. Weeds are often greener than the grass.

    · Don’t argue about “things”. Things are nothing. If everything you discuss is feelings, then you will accomplish something when you have a disagreement. If you break an argument down to its components, what you will find is that it is all about feelings. If you have the same argument over and over, somebody is not being cognizant of the other person’s feelings and needs to make a change. Remember to say that you are sorry and truly mean it, and actively try to change if you are doing something that hurts her feelings.

    · Be faithful. If you stray, be prepared to not be able to return to him after the trust is broken.

    · You must have trust to have intimacy. I’m not talking about physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy.

    · You can’t have sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy.

    · If you have strong moral values about something, don’t think that you can bring about a change in the other person. Core values won’t change over time, and won’t change by “loving somebody enough”. People have similar core values, or they don’t. This is not a compromise item. If they don’t respect you now, walk away now.

    · Go into a relationship with an open mind and an open heart. Don’t hold back. You risk getting hurt, but if you hold back your love, you WILL get hurt when the relationship fails because you failed to commit, emotionally.

    · Verbalize your love. Don’t assume the other person knows that you love them or that you find them sexy and attractive. They need to know how much you truly appreciate them and what they contribute to the relationship. Tell them, and tell them often, and mean it when you say it.

    · Marriage is not two people living together as one. Marriage is about two individuals living in the same house who are trying to maintain their individuality and not kill each other in the process. Respect each other as individuals.

    1. Wise words & I’ve been married to the same person for 40 years & still respect trust & cherish through ups & downs & hard work … great advice

  6. Been watching you guys from the get go, and this shit was bound to happen, even before you had buba.
    But!!!!! You guys have far outreached my expectation of a couple living in closed quarters for as long as you have and survived. Riley, you are a great dad and like a good red only get better, ellena, legend mom for putting up with both boys.
    Love you both + 1 and I won’t wish you the best as I know that’s what all three of you do,
    Happy loving and sailing……
    Bob the builder, somewhere in Sydney.

  7. Riley & Ellena..
    You guys are doing it right.. time-outs good and highs n lows come and go. Granny always said – “Never go to bed on an argument & all that needs to be said can be within five minutes!”. I dont know that the 5 min thing would be enough for some? Get your respective feet on land, or even home a bit more and it will all fall into place. Have been watchin for almost five years now.. your both doin a great job and providing inspiration to 1000s in ways you never thought possible. Hugs .. Logan (old chopper pilot)

  8. I have been a fan for years and was always in awe of how you managed to live in such confined spaces, isolated for days from outside contact and manage to not just get along, but coalesce. Add to that challenge the face you have to put on for the camera, editing, filming, blocking, etc, etc., all while navigating, cleaning, and maintaining your boat. I think you did the impossible for years, and then added a baby!:-) I hope you work through this, as you two are an inspiration to a lot of us out here.

  9. Hi Ellena and Riley,
    First of all, thanks for sharing your feeling with us. Here’s my technique for coping with relationship ups and downs.
    Write down what is bothering you on a pice of paper, be brutally honest. Put it in a drawer and read it again after 2 days. Tear it up!
    Repeat until you have 2 things left that are bothering you and then act upon them.
    Either change something about your behavior or ask the other person if they are prepared to change.
    Remember that nobody is happy all the time. If you don’t have lows you won’t know when you’re feeling good.
    Have a cry, it helps to release pent up stress.
    Finally, be thankful for everything that you have. Toddlers are really trying and you just have to do the best you can to keep calm. Ask for help if you need it.
    Lots of love to you all.

  10. Hey, I’ve been with you guys since early days and was saddened by this post.
    What did you expect?
    Expect to learn from what just happened and grow from it,in any direction the wind my take you.

    As I was about to enter into the separation stage of divorce 20 years ago, I was boohooing to my father. My father of few words said “what did you expect”. That was all he daid.
    He died soon after, and I never got to get his wisdom of his statement.

    What I did get was:
    When you’re optimistic, as mostly normal people are, it’s easy to always assume that the best will come. And of course you WIll BE DISAPPOINTED IF IT DOES NOT .
    And after enough of it, you feel trapped and angry.

    HOWEVER,
    if you truly think hard about any possible situation, both, what’s the best and what is the worst outcome. You will find out that you’re not surprised or overwhelmed with a negitive outcome. BECAUSE you also expected that as possible. Because even from that point, there is still yet another point to go on to that must also have an outcome.
    Anger and depression come from getting not what you expected.

    Happiness comes from trying for an outcome and enjoying whatever the outcome is. Either way, you kind of expected it. No longer a surprise or shock.

    What’s the worst that could happen.. can you deal with it.
    You always have a choice.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Love Tom
    Sv New Perspective

  11. You have passed the end of a stage in your life. You need a house and a homebase. Find a way to morph into a family life gracefully. It is completely natural and happens to everyone. You do have a future with boats, just different. Lenny needs a home too.

    1. I know Lenny is in teething country, but with his hands down his diapers and a lot of crying, you might want to get him checked out for an abdominal hernia, an intestinal kink, or an undescended testicle. Those are fairly common and can hurt. If children have repetitive gestures on their bodies, those gestures are indicative of some sensation there and are basically pointing to a problem they can’t voice to you. Watch and look for such indicative behavior. Be kind to each other, Don’t make subtle little digs at each other, stay intellectually alive in the face of mind-numbing responsibilities of baby, job, and boat. Take an online Harvard course for plenty of stimulating conversation with unknown entities! on something fun and interesting. May I suggest the archeology and anthropology of some of the places you have on your list for the future? Don’t forget to spoon under the moon. More sex equals greater closeness, always. LOL! We moved off the Noah’s Ark into a house in St. Croix ( Which went bye-bye in Hurricane Hugo! Sob! Such a great little house on the reef!) when my baby brothers were four and on the hip starting to crawl. And that’s why we sold the boats. Keep that Bubble on! One baby rode his tricycle off the dock at Yacht Haven with a box over his head! Only the Bubble brot him to the surface! Yes, we dove for trike recovery successfully. There is hope. Now he’s a cop for the FEDS looking for drug runners from Cuba! Who could have imagined!?? LOL!

  12. I’m sure that everyone who see your latest blogs, understands, what you guys have been experiencing and currently going through. Via your videos, you have spent much of your time “sailing”, and living predominantly, within the 4 walls of your yacht. Although some stress has been portrayed, I believe that you have done very well. Reading the Bible, God’s “Handbook for Life” , will not be all you need, to resolve your issues, but I do beleive that some of the books you have read, may have contributed to you concentrating on your inward thoughts, in an unhealthy way also. Your happiest times appear to me to be, when you were investigating all the nooks and crannies of the places you visited, off the boat, and Lenny has deprived you a little, from doing that. Time off the boat investigating towns and villages and observing other people’s way of life , may be helpfull, but not as much as returning home occassionally to see family and friends. Don’t let Lenny’s needs interupt your relationship. Your health comes first, and then Lenny’s. Wish you both all the best for your life together

    1. Don’t let Lenny’s needs interrupt your relationship? His health is secondary?That’s an odd piece of advice considering that child neglect is the root cause of every major societal problem humanity is currently grappling with, and the rampant generational theft committed to satisfy the political conceits of the current global ruling class will do more damage to their livelihoods than any other single issue they will face in their lifetimes. Their lives and subsequently their own children’s lives are more important than ours by precedence alone, and we won’t even be around long enough to help them through the whole of it. Our suffering is meaningless compared to our children’s.

  13. My wife of 24 years is a dedicated viewer and I’ve watched a fair amount over the years. She told me about this, and she was saddened, and so I wanted to reach out. (Nothing quite like some random thoughts from a complete stranger, right?) My first thought is, you seem like genuine people, a rarity on the internet these days, and ordinary people like your fans naturally respond best to people they can relate to – underdogs if you like – attempting an incredible journey such as yours. To us, your lives seem like quite the fantasy, a huge number of people are amazed and inspired, watching you navigate through nightmarish conditions at times, facing myriad challenges and sailing steadily into the unknown, but always finding another paradise, another safe harbor. It approaches the mythical at times, the skills and knowledge you’ve both amassed, what you’ve accomplished and overcome. But life is not a fantasy, you both already know that too well. And of all the boat anchors in life, a kid is the heaviest one you will ever hoist. Obviously, children are worth the burden, however you will inevitably find yourself in darker moods. You will ponder the ephemeral nature of our existence, the absurdity and instability of the world around us, and not just the chaos of the open sea. You will ponder your own inevitable mortality. You will continue learning, sometimes painfully, about your own shortcomings and you will not stop until you take the permanent dirt nap we’re all headed for. But the good news is, it is all worth it. Lenny needs you both in his life, and as much time and nurturing as each of you can give him, so you will have to work out the relationship details to that degree at least. The answer is simpler than anything in any textbook. You are our heroes on a fantastic voyage, so be a hero to Lenny. The task at hand isn’t to keep living in a certain way, it’s to help Lenny become a hero himself, the best he can be, a hero for the people he touches in his own life, and who will cheer for him like others do for you two. He will grow up faster than you think, and head into his own quite messy unknown, and all you will care about at that point, all you will wish for, is that you could go with him. My kids are grown, so trust me on that one. But you will get through that as well, you both seem pretty tough to me.

    Alright guys, sorry for length. Chins up, everything will be alright. Just keep fighting the good fight, even one day at a time if need be. The sun will keep coming up, you can count on it. Peace!

  14. Hi Elayna, hi Ryley,
    I have been supporting you for years now because your bet was so incredible and full of hope and confidence like only young people in their twenties can be, that I wanted your adventure to go as far as possible and possibility never ends 🙂
    I was a little bit worried yesterday with the title of your post. But then I read Elayna saying it was more a prevention that curing, then I knew you would be alright 🙂
    Very mature and healthy decision for a such a beautiful family. Very honest from you also and I want to thank you also for that.
    « Wish some day, we’ll join up … » (Fish hunting, good cooking and much love and friendship, what’s not to like !
    BTW: your two parallel cooking were awful compare with what you can do when pairing ! It surely helped to appreciate how rich you are from this beautiful family of yours.
    I have hope for you guys, keep enjoying !
    Kha

  15. I probably can’t add any words or thoughts that others haven’t already conveyed to you. I did notice that Riley was shifting into a glide, months ago. It is funny how the detection can slip through the video stream…but I think I am sensitive toward both of you and your journey.

    I am way inland, up in the Wasatch Mountains of Utah. I find my rescue in the incredible landscape of the Rocky Mountains and the deserts of the West. We have a ranch up in Wyoming, on the east slope of the Wind River Range, right on the river and inside of an Indian reservation…isolated and stunning. We ride horses, run the river, work a bit, sing, dance, sleep in the stars.

    If you ever get the gumption to come out this way, I would love to take you up there for a little attitude adjustment. It has an uncanny ability to assuage a bit of Sartre’s “existential nausea”.

    Cliffy

  16. Riley & Elayna,

    As you can tell you two have a vast audience who truly love you both and now as a family with Lenny. We have followed you for years and this happens with every relationship…trust me on that. Gail and I practically raised our daughter on yachts but only on local trips here in the Great Northwest. Tera Firma feels pretty good after weeks on a boat as you have undoubtedly experienced but you have more going on since La Vaga is more than just a boat, it’s also your livelihood.

    Riley, whenever I feel a little down, like maybe I maybe missed something in my life or just don’t feel like I’m full up on happiness I do a little reflecting. What I mean by that is I think about the hardiness of people who have truly suffered in their lives, who may have lost limbs, or eye sight or suffered in a concentration camp. Psychologists call this “Comparative Cognition” and is a very wide field of study in to many disciplines.

    It’s remarkable the power of this exercise and it immediately brings me back to a level state of mind and a heightened appreciation of the physical attributes that I still have, because without them life would be so much more difficult . The reason it works at least for me is that it also brings to mind all the things that are important to me and more important how they all seem to fit together. Is it perfect?? well we will never know but it is fulfilling and places value on all that I hold dear.

    Living and traveling on a boat is certainly challenging but admittedly not always fun. I know, it’s hard to imagine saying that as I love boats and sailing…but I also love riding a motorcycle, or a horse. I love going to a museum or a rock concert but not opera. I love go to see live music and plays. Our daughter loved plays and I grew to love them too.

    What I’m saying is get out there and do some guy things, try a zip-line race a go-kart, try surfing…

    Expand you fun-quotient.

    Guys need some basic adrenaline to feel alive and being a Dad for however many hours is difficult. Elayna too needs her time away from Lenny, from the boat and she needs to get away from the grind. Both of you actually have far too many commitments to all of us YouTube followers and your boat mortgage, consider some minor changes in how you operate together and you will find your paths merge with much more energy, love and dare I say sex.

    If you can, consider getting off the boat for a while and you will enjoy it even more when do get back onboard. We, YouTube followers take up too much of your time, right now re-adjust how and who you are doing all this for.

  17. Hey guys, onya both for living a charmed life and sharing the not so charming bits. I was locked down with my beautiful wife and a 4 and 2yo for 6 weeks in March/April. It was part bliss and part hell. One surprise was I stumbled upon you two and spent way too much time in front of the TV watching you live the dream you share with my departed father Who never got to live it.
    Well by week 4 not even Riley and Elayna could stop the crazy seeping in!
    At week 6 my always relaxed wife was showing the strains of dealing with 2 kids and a husband. The loveliest moment was after my first day back at work I arrived home to the warmest hug from her and “I really missed you today”. I was actually not expecting it.
    Life is hard, even with the perfect team around you.
    Hope you’re all doing well 🙏

  18. Certainly does help to get out of the box and take a good look around. Honesty is the best policy. I wish you both the best in whatever the outcome. ryan

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